Vulnerable Anger

Peter was the fierce disciple of Jesus. Peter was the one who denied Jesus 3 times the same day he told Jesus that he loved Him. Peter was the one who cut off a man’s ear out of anger. And Peter was the one who lead thousands of people to Jesus. Sometimes I feel like I can relate to the person Peter was when he said he loved Jesus. And I can also relate to Peter when he denied Jesus and cut off a man’s ear out of hatred. With the same mouth that is used to bless others, it can be used to hurt as well. The Bible speaks of such power our words have. What a call from the Lord to use our words wisely. Peter grew stronger in his faith and wise words came forth. How humbling it is to see a man like Peter had many, many flaws, like you and me. The battle of anger and hatred is more prevalent and easily seen now than ever before. It’s all over the news and social media. How easily hatred can creep into the unsuspecting heart!

I wrote this in the perspective of vulnerability and anger that I imagined Peter had during his days of struggling with hatred. I think we can all relate to Peter in some way. We all have these bad, angry days and sometimes we don’t know how to let it out. Personally, I use music and prayer as a way to express frustration. So hopefully you too can find a way that you can work through the days of anger before it grows into something as strong as hatred. Feeding that hatred can grow into other terrible things if we are not careful.

May the Lord keep our souls with sensitive compassion as Jesus did in the midst of this hurting world.

One day, I was mad at the world.

I was faced with the things I wanted
but didn’t have.
The things I prayed for
but didn’t hear an answer.
Does God hear me?
Why am I like this?
Don’t You know what this feels like?
And now I can’t even do things alone without feeling haunted by my past.
Frustrated with the past, I feel inadequate.
I obviously didn’t make the right choices back then,
so what’s the point in hoping for something I don’t have.
Have you every felt like quitting, ready to give up in bitterness?
It eats my heart out and I feel the anger growing stronger.
So strong that I punch the pillow to relieve myself.
It felt surreal. Like it was me, but it wasn’t.
I have never felt such rage and that frightens me.
If I feel like this alone, how will I behave around others?
Do I just hide it or be the real me? What is the real me anyways?
My self-control, if I ever had any, is out the window and far out of sight.
The numbness inside of me wears me out, leaving me empty and hungry.
Hungry for something to satisfy my soul, but what is it?
I long for hope, but am so deprived of it.
Why would you do this God? Why would you make me feel this way?
I’m so tired of the comments.
The judgments, the useless advice. All of it. I’m so done.
I’m embarrassed. I’m hurt and alone.
Why God? Why are You doing this?
Depriving me of what I have always wanted, only
to cause me to want it no longer,
but out of a bitter heart and not surrender.
I’ve tried to surrender, and yet You still are patient.
You’re much more patient than I could ever be, obviously by these words written here.
I don’t know what to do anymore. What am I here for? Why am I so far away
from the only people who could even love me right now?
I hate it and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of wondering and wandering from place to place
in hopes of finding that unknown dream of mine.
I have no dream anymore. I threw
it out the window.
And now I’m left with nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And maybe this is the exact place the Lord wants me to be.
Sitting here, with nothing in my hands.
No desires.
No hopes.
No dreams.
The only thing I see is a Man on a Cross.
The festering anger fades away
replaced with peace as I look to that Man on the Cross
seeing Him suffer for people who truly hate Him.
It almost makes me want to hate them too.
How could He just let them treat Him that way? What is stopping Him from pouring out His furious judgment on these fools?
Maybe this is the state of being the Lord wants me in
because it’s the only way He can really move in me and speak to me.
But I have never given Him the opportunity to do so.
I’ve never let Him really work in my heart.
Maybe this whole thing has been my
fault from the beginning.
And my foolish anger blinded me to see what I have
been missing the whole time.
I give my God not just a surrendered heart.
But an empty one.
An empty heart that God can mold into something new.
I don’t even remember the details of the past anymore.
All I can see is a new hope laid out for my future.
All I see is Christ on the Cross.

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